her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
