I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
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