just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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