I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
