I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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