Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I want her autograph on my taint
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
