beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Help. Why am I so naked?
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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