He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
