My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
