Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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