My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
