It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
