The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
