it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
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