he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
