how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
