let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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