your parents love me but you hate me
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
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