I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
