I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
