mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Randomize
