Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Randomize
