i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
