I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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