If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
