Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Randomize
