I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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