i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I have aggressive nipples.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
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