I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
