if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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