Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
