i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
