I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
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