i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Randomize
