no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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