Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Please dont use Danity Kane lyrics to describe your emotions.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
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