All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
