Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
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