you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
