...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
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