I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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