Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
