Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
