A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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