The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Randomize
