you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
