you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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