nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Randomize
