john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Houston, we have a squirter
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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