i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
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