Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
